January 26th

Today is a tough day. Today was the day that I was supposed to have my little girl or little boy (for some reason, DJ and I both feel like it was a girl). Back in August, I learned that I had a partial molar pregancy, which stopped our child's beating heart at 10 weeks old. I didn't know this until I thought I was 16 weeks along. This was particularly devastating for me because I thought "how could I NOT have known?". My aunt nailed it when she said that miscarrying is an "emotional roller coaster". It really is. On one hand, I'm so blessed to have Jackson - who's healthy, happy, growing and mine. On the other, I know what a tremendous loss we've experienced because we know how AMAZING it is to have a baby. I'm still dealing with it all, I've been feeling good, but today is a hard day. Would we have been in the hospital today introducing Jackson to his little baby brother or sister? WOuld I have gone past my due date and be the size of a house right now? It's dangerous to say "what if", but in this situation I seem to do it all day long. On Sunday we'll go to a service at the site where our baby was buried. I hope that this will bring a sense of closure to us so that we can remember, but move ahead and make plans to grow our family.
On a more positive note, my amazing doctor, Dr. Wolfe, has given us the go ahead to try again. We're not sure yet when exactly we'll start trying, but I think it will be fairly soon. I pray. I pray OFTEN, that we will be able to have a successful pregnancy and to bring a healthy child into this world.